Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
