Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Houston, we have a squirter
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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