And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
