No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
