walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
