THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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