Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
