remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Rumble strips road head = magical
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize