She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
