I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
