I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
