hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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