if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
