if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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