you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
