me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
