You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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