garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
