So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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