I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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