ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
