I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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