I need help removing her.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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