if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
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I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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