i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
