You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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