The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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