He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
