Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
