90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
me + whiskey = a bad person
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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