sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
