She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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