I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
