that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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