I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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