$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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