omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit