On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.