I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.