I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
