Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
