remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
