I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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