Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
