Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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