i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
