Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
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Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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