pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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