i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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