a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
