yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
