I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
