nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize