I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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