I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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