After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
