How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
