I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and she was petting her beer can
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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