Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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