im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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