OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
